The Lies We Live And Die With
by Tokensplash
Summary: See the truth behind Severus Snape's 5th year at school and his relationship with Lily. Why does Severus turn suicidal with drug use and cutting? Will someone try to save him? PLEASE REVIEW, I LOVE TO HEAR YOUR POINT OF VIEW , THANK YOU
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

The room vibrated with the deafening sound of Screamo music as Severus Snape lay on his bed, staring absently at the ceiling. The only light in the room was the crack under his door. The dim light fanned out over his carpet then faded as it reached the foot of his bed, leaving Severus' form in darkness. For a few seconds, he could hear the muffled argument from the kitchen. He rolled over onto his side and turned up the stereo.

As he turned his face towards the ceiling again, a single tear escaped his dark eye. He quickly wiped it away with the back of his hand. Crying was for the weak, and he, Severus Snape, was _not_ weak. In the gap between two of the songs the fight between his parents escalated, then abruptly went silent after a large smack reverberated around the kitchen followed by a quick gasp of pain from his mother. Severus heard the front door slam, then the soft footsteps of his mother shuffling toward her room. Finally, the exhaustion of the day caught up with him and he turned off his music and sunk into the familiar uncertainty of his haunting dreams.

The shrill shrieking of Severus's old alarm clock filled the small room at ten to six. Severus quickly sprang up and stifled the buzz before his parents woke; on September first he always did this. His father never had understood how important magic was to him and thought him a freak for being able to use it. In the dark of his room, he silently dressed and checked his trunk. He left his room, his feet padding softly on the carpet as he walked to the kitchen. Entering he saw his mother, Eileen, dressed in a dark blue dressing gown and holding a cup of tea, she was sitting at the table gazing aimlessly through the window facing the dying grass in the backyard.

"Have you seen my other shoe?" Severus asked. His mother jumped, "No, I am not responsible for your belongings." She replied absently, and turned back to the window. Severus scanned the room for something to eat. Seeing nothing, he went in search of his shoe.

After about half an hour of searching, he found the tattered gray trainer and pulled it on. In the next room over, Severus heard the running water of a sink, and knew that it was time to leave. He hauled his heavy trunk down the hall and out the front door. When he reached the sidewalk, he turned around to look at his house. It was a dismal place to live with its fading and chipped paint, two broken windows, all of which were framed by an invasion of weeds that were slowly suffocating the overgrown grass.

Severus walked to the playground and sat under the tree that he and Lily had sat under together so many times before, and began to wait. For the next couple of hours, Severus checked his watch impatiently, until finally, it was ten thirty. _'Lily…'_ he thought, eyes closed in ecstasy while his stomach did a couple of back flips and his limbs began to tingle. Breathing deeply, as if breathing in her sweet sent, he opened his eyes and walked forward.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Severus was nervous as he rang Lily's doorbell, feeling very self conscious about his racing heart and sweaty palms. The door opened, and Petunia stood in the doorway, glaring at him. There was an uncomfortable silence as she glowered at him until he asked, "Is Lily here?" Petunia stood aside to let him enter. He left his trunk next to the door before ascending the stairs two at a time. Usually he and Lily were inseparable at all times, but this summer she had gone on a vacation with her family. It had been a whole month since he had last seen or heard from her. When he reached the landing, Severus saw that the door to Lily's room was open.

"Sev?" A soft voice behind him asked in a soft voice. He jumped, and turned swiftly around, crouching slightly.

"Oh!" he exclaimed, straitening up. A pair of astonishing green eyes looked up at him, framed by a shining head of autumn red hair. '_Lily._' he thought with joy. She threw her arms and buried his face into his shoulder. His breath quickened at the contact. '_Oh the power she holds over me!_'

"Oh Sev, I missed you so much!" she said in a muffled voice. It made Severus feel elated to know how she had missed him. She pulled back, her green eyes meeting his.

"I missed you too." He replied, trying to keep his voice even and controlled. Lily began to talk as they walked to her room.

"America was very strange." she began. Severus just let her words wash over him, savoring the musical tone of Lily's voice. "Sev? Sev, are you listening to me?"

"Huh? Oh..." His mind had wondered off into a daydream he was _very_ glad Lily couldn't see.

"Come on, we need to go or we'll be late!" Lily grabbed her trunk off the bed and began to wheel it down the hall.

"I can carry that for you." Severus said, gesturing to her heavy trunk.

"I can manage." replied Lily not unkindly. "We'll have to take a bus to the station today, my parents are at work. I have some Muggle money to pay for the fare."

"Why not just take the Night Bus?" Severus asked.

"If you don't mind, I would prefer to take a Muggle bus." Lily answered nervously. "It always makes me really anxious when I ride the Night Bus."

"Oh, okay."

It was ten forty and Severus and Lily were still on the bus. '_If we had taken the Night Bus we would have been there by now_.' Severus thought. There was so much traffic on the streets that it would have been better to walk; so that's what they did. People kept trying very hard not to make eye contact with them. Severus didn't blame them; he and Lily looked so out of place that they might have been from an alternate universe or another planet. At ten fifty two, the station came into view. They ran to a stone archway in between platforms nine and ten.

"Ladies first." Severus said with a slight grin. Lily grimaced, then wheeled her trolley round to face the wall, then sprinted headlong through it. Severus stood directly in front of blank archway and began to run. As he neared the wall, he closed his eyes tightly shut and sped up. There was a slight whooshing sound and Severus opened his eyes. Through the haze around him Severus could hear the many hoots of owls and students calling to one another.

He caught a few glimpses of some of the pupils. Some were wearing Muggle clothes like him and others their school robes already. One thing that all the students had in common was that they were all carrying a trunk identical to his, if not so jaded.

"Hey Sev, I'll see you later. I've got to meet up with some friends." Lily said distractedly, then sped of toward a group of girls about twenty-five meters away. Severus decided that he'd better get onto the train before it left without him. He hoisted his trunk up into the train, then climbed aboard himself. He looked around for a familiar face. There was no one he recognized in sight. The clock struck eleven and the train began to pull away from the platform. Severus went to find an empty compartment; he knew he would not be welcome among Lily's friends.

The only compartment he could find had four Ravenclaw boys sitting and laughing together but he had little choice so he sat down in the far right corner of the compartment. Severus spent the first two hours reading the text book entitled, '_The Essential Book of Spells'_; the four Ravenclaw boys pretended he didn't exist and he did the same. An elderly woman came by pushing a trolley with a bunch of wizarding sweets for sale. Severus was hungry but he didn't buy anything; with a supply of gold as low as his he couldn't afford to be frivolously spending any of it on sweets. It seemed like most of his life was spent being hungry. He watched enviously as the four boys took large amounts of money from pockets and bought as much food and sweets as they liked.

"Is this seat taken?" a boy who had just entered that compartment asked, glancing around. He had strait brown hair and brown eyes. The four boys gave no notice of his presence.

"You can sit here." Severus said, and went back to reading the book. It was really quite informative; he was extremely eager to try some of the spells out.

"My name is Oz Dorflinger." The boy said. "Aren't you Severus Snape?"

"Yeah, how'd you know?" Severus asked suspiciously, his eyes narrowing.

"I think I've seen you around a couple times before." Oz said.

"Oh." Severus said and began to lose interest.

"This is your fifth year, right?"

"Yeah." Severus replied curtly.

"I'm in my sixth year and in Hufflepuff." said Oz excitedly. Severus sighed inwardly; this boy was talking too much in his opinion.

"You're in Slytherin, right?" Oz inquired. At the mention of Slytherin, the leader of the group of Ravenclaw boys looked at them and said distainfully, "Why do you bother talking to a Slytherin, Oswald?" The boy gestured to his sneering friends, and without even looking at Severus, they left the compartment.

"Oswald?" Severus sneered.

"Uh, yeah, but most everyone calls me Oz." Oz said, rubbing his nose.

"Oh, how do you know that guy?"

"That's my cousin, Tyler Fawlclan."

"Oh." Severus thought for a moment, then asked, "Why _are_ you talking to me?"

"Uh, what?"

"Why are you talking to me?"

Oz thought for a moment them said, "Maybe I just want to be your friend." Severus continued to stare at him suspiciously, then Oz said, "And maybe I was wondering if you'd like to buy some, _stuff_."

"What do you mean by, _stuff_?" he asked, his eyes narrowing even further, his full attention now on Oz.

"Drugs." he smirked, then continued. "I just though you might need something."

Severus glared at him. "And what makes you think that!"

"Well, they can make you forget, if only for a little while." Oz said in a knowing voice, one eyebrow raised. Severus thought; he really did want to forget his about parents, the other students, and everything else in his screwed up life; but what would Lily think if she found that he was doing drugs?

"No." Severus said. "I don't want them."

"Suite yourself, but if you change your mind, the offer is still open."

"Get out!" Severus didn't want to let Oz on to how tempted he was, but he couldn't turn to drugs; the risk that Lily would find out was too great.

"What!" Oz said, startled.

"I said get out! Or should I make you!" Severus stood up and balled his fists, glaring at the other boy. Oz left, a slight sneer on his face but also a hint of something else that Severus couldn't recognize but he shrugged it off.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Several hours later, Severus carefully marked the page he was on and placed _The Essential Book of Spells _back in his trunk then pulled out a set of his black robes. They were badly faded and looked more of a grayish black than an inky black. They were frayed and patched, as well as being slightly dusty. Severus tried to shake it out, but a cloud of dust enveloped him and he sneezed. The only thing that bothered him as he pulled them on, was that other people could tell that they were second hand robes.

Severus opened the compartment door and followed the others. He stumbled slightly as the train shuttered to a stop. A few students behind him snickered softly, but Severus ignored them. The doors opened and he stepped into the frigid night air; Severus could see his breath rising in tiny puffs. They had walked out onto a platform surrounded by trees. He looked into the sky and saw thousands of brightly twinkling stars and for a ludicrous second he smiled, as he considered them to be his thousands of friends. Suddenly he realized the ridiculousness of his thought and returned his face to an expressionless state not so unlike that of a Vulcan.

He climbed into a carriage where the thestrals pulled all the students to the foot of the castle, though he could see these haunting beasts he had learned long ago that most of the other students could not. The castle was enormous. It spread for several miles and had many towers and turrets. The students ascended a flight of stairs to two, very large doors. Severus passed through the doors and entered a very ornate room; in front of him was a long staircase that appeared to be made of marble. Beyond the marble staircase, there were many other staircases, and some were even moving. To his left there was another set of large double doors, though smaller than the ones he had just entered through; and to Severus's left there was a stone archway that lead into the dungeons.

Suddenly he realized that he had admired the architecture for too long and was now alone in the Entrance Hall with Potter and his gang. '_Crap…_' he thought as he tried to speed up to get into the Great Hall before anything could happen.

"And where do you think you're going, Snivellus?" a jeering voice called from behind. Severus took a deep breath, and kept walking; he did not want trouble before the first day. A hand grabbed him and pulled him around, it was Black, leering down at him. Severus pushed Black's filthy hand off him.

"Oooo, look who thinks he's got nerve." Potter sneered. He reached for his wand only a split second after Potter drew his, but it was too late. "Impedimenta!" Severus was flying backward, lights spinning around him. He landed on the opposite side of the Entrance Hall, unable to breathe, unable to move.

"James, we're going to be late." Lupin said nervously, edging towards the Great Hall.

Potter looked at Lupin a disappointed expression on his face, "Alright Mr. Prefect. See ya later, Snivellus." They walked into the Great Hall, leaving Severus in a crumpled heap at the foot of the stairs. Slowly and painfully he got to his feet, wincing as he felt a stabbing sensation in his side.

He limped to the doors lead into the great hall and pushed them open. Many students in black robes were sitting at four long different tables. There were plates, silverware, and goblets all filled with food and drink. The sorting was over and Dumbledore had obviously concluded the first half of his speech. Severus sat down at the very end Slytherin table and reached for some chips.

He had only eaten five chips when the food disappeared to be replaced with a whole assortment of desserts. '_It doesn't matter, I wasn't hungry anyways._' Severus thought. He knew this was a lie however. He grimaced to himself, desperately wishing that he could build up some weird and twisted immunity to lack of food. After a few minutes, Dumbledore stood up and the room grew silent.

"Welcome to another year at Hogwarts!" The headmaster began. "I trust you've all had a good summer?" There was some murmuring among the pupils, Severus rolled his eyes. For the umpteenth time, he couldn't decide what was worse, being at school where everyone hated or ignored him, or being at home where his parents either hated or ignored him. Either way it was the same result and he found little solace in either place.

Dumbledore continued with his usual beginning of the year speech as Severus let his mind wonder. Several minutes passed and he found himself subconsciously scanning the room for Lily. At the Ravenclaw table he spotted Tyler and his friends; at the Hufflepuff table he saw that Oz was staring at him. When their eyes met and Oz realized that Severus had noticed his staring he looked away quickly, a slight blush rising to his cheeks. Severus moved his gaze onward until it reached the Gryffindor table and he saw her. The torchlight danced in Lily's green eyes; they were focused intently upon Dumbledore. All of a sudden the seventh year Slytherin next to him pushed Severus off the bench. As he landed on the hard stone ground, his foot became tangled around the edge of the table cloth and down fell a couple of desserts, their accompanying plates, and some goblets.

All the students in the Great Hall turned to stare at the source of the echoing tinkle of breaking glass. It was uncomfortably silent in the Great Hall until Professor McGonagall stood up and began walking toward him.

"Snape, come with me." she ordered curtly. Severus got to his feet, hiding all signs of physical discomfort from his face. As the doors to the Great Hall closed after him, he could hear the seventh year Slytherin laughing lightly, all the other students burst into conversation and giggles.

"Mr. Snape, I don't know what to do with you anymore." McGonagall said, sighing. "You have no regard for any of the school rules, and are disruptive." Severus thought about reveling the truth about what had happened back in the Great Hall, but decided against it, he did not want to be dubbed as a tattle-tale. "You have been in detention more times then I can remember, and suspended over three times!" Severus remember those times he had been suspended quite vividly. His mother had been so angry that she had given him a daily beating and no food for two weeks; McGonagall knew none of what went on at his home however and he would not be the one to tell her. "I don't want to expel you Mr. Snape, you have much promise, but I will if I have to. For now, two hundred points from Slytherin for misconduct and detention every night for the next month, my office, seven o'clock. Now go to the Slytherin dormitories."

"But Professor, no house has been in negative figures before!" Severus said, shocked at the injustice of it all.

"Well I guess Slytherin will be the first. Now get to your common room!" McGonagall walked back into the Great Hall, leaving Severus seething. Instead of going to the Slytherin common room however, he ascended the marble stair case and all the way up four more flights of stairs to his usual deserted class room.

He sat on the window sill for sometime, staring blankly at the huge lake, its water lapping gently against the shore. The glowing orb of an almost full moon rose from behind the mountains, causing the surface of the lake to become illuminated with an eerie sparkle. In a strange moment of insanity he almost wanted to cry but he caught himself and forced to feeling away from the surface of his mind.

When the moon was directly above him, Severus sighed and walked down to the dungeons. He whispered the password to the blank stretch of stone wall and it melted away, allowing him entrance. The embers in the stone fireplace were fading away, '_None of the other Slytherins would have noticed, or cared about my disappearance._' Severus thought as he climbed the spiral staircase leading to the boy's dormitories.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

Severus woke at five o'clock, showered, then dressed in his school robes. He crept past the sleeping Slytherins and left the deserted common room as he made his way to the Astronomy Tower. Though it was quite early and he was quite tired, Severus knew that it would be a mistake to be asleep when the other Slytherins awoke. It would allow them to have a position of power over him that he just didn't want to risk. The best policy was avoidance. The hour just before and after dawn was one of the only times of day he had for himself, just as the hour just before and after moonrise, though he would often stay up late into the night. The Astronomy Tower was where he could watch the sun rise; if he couldn't get into his classroom at night, he came here despite the cold. Severus adjusted his position on the tower until was perfectly aligned with the earth's orbit around the sun.

It rose like it did every morning, a radiant ancient sphere. Severus was bathed in sunlight as the mountains, covered by the gray of dawn were now illuminated by a sheet of golden light as it shot over the horizon. Out of the corner of one eye, he saw the sun reflect off the surface of the lake. Severus loved the rising sun, just as he loved the rising of the moon. He would never tell anyone this of course, they would just laugh at him; except for maybe Lily.

Oh how he wished she could join him, how he wished he could show her his world the way he saw it, with its limitless splendors and discoveries, but he knew he never could. If Lily rejected his love, what would happen to their friendship? No, there was no way he could let her know, unless…unless he could write her anonymous poems expressing his love for her!

When the waking bell rang Severus went down to the Great Hall and had a scone with a cup of tea. By the time he was finished and most of the students were just making their way towards the Great Hall. Severus walked to his Transfiguration class, and found that the door had been left open. He sat down in his usual chair in the back of the class, pulled out a quill and ink along with a piece of parchment and wrote:

_My __Love_

_You are my__ love_

_Red as blood, spilt for the cost of a rent rose_

_Hot as a dragon's fire, lit deep within my soul_

_Ever burning, never dimming_

_Is the love I feel for you. _

The door opened followed by laughter, but Severus barely noticed, being so involved in his writing. Suddenly a hand reached out and swiped the parchment away from him as he was just starting to fold it. Severus looked up and saw Potter standing over him sneering down at him; he glanced at the parchment and his eyes widened.

"What's this; Snivellus has got himself a girlfriend, and is writing _poetry_ to her!" Potter began to laugh as he said the word 'poetry'. Severus lunged for the parchment, but Potter jerked it away with lightning speed.

Before Potter had time to blink, Severus had drawn his wand and yelled, "Expelliarmus!" The parchment went flying up into the air towards him; he stretched his left arm up and caught it.

Potter drew his own wand, "You –" Potter stopped when the door opened again and Professor McGonagall walked into the classroom. She stopped as she saw the unsheathed wands and looked from Potter to Severus.

"Is there something you two boys wish to tell me?" She asked briskly, looking only at Severus, both her tone and stare accusing.

"No Professor." He replied, stowing his wand back in his robes. She looked to Potter and he shook his head, also putting his wand away. Other students had began filing into the classroom at this point, and James' and Severus' little scuffle had already been forgotten by the Professor. Severus took the piece of parchment and folded it into a tiny square then put it carefully into his pocket.

The late bell rang and Severus looked around the room for lily. She was not in the room. He felt slightly crestfallen as his plan would have to wait to be set in motion. Just as McGonagall was about to begin the lecture, the door opened and Severus's heart skipped. Lily came bolting in.

"Sorry I'm late Professor." She panted. Her ivory skin was as radiant as the early morning sunlight shining in her wavy hair as it tumbled down her shoulders. Even out of breath and perspiring slightly she was the most beautiful thing Severus had ever seen. With a pang of anger, he noticed that he was not the only one looking at her in that way. Across the room, Potter's eyes were fixed on Lily; admiring her slim and curvy figure. He knew Potter only fancied Lily for her body and could care less about her brilliant, engaging mind and personality. It angered him that the Potter boy would take something as wonderful and fragile as Lily, use her for his own pleasures, then toss her aside as he would a broken old quill.

"Ms. Evens, see me after class."

"Yes Professor McGonagall." Lily replied. McGonagall gestured to the only remaining seat in the room, which was next to Severus. Potter's eyes narrowed in jealousy and suspicion as Lily beamed when she saw Severus and sat down next to him.

McGonagall began her lecture. It was dreadfully dull and seemed to drag on for ages; he had already read and mastered the spells in this chapter weeks ago. Then suddenly Lily tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a piece of parchment. Severus felt oddly giddy as he read: "_What happened to you last night at the feast?_"

He scribbled back: "_Long story, the details don't matter._" He slipped the note back to her.

She stared at it for several seconds then wrote: "_Did you get into much trouble?_" Severus took the note and put his quill on the parchment.

"Snape! Evens!" The sharp voice made the both of them jump and they looked up. The whole class was looking at them and McGonagall was giving them one of her stern stares. She pointed her want at the note on Severus's desk and said, "Incendio." The parchment burst into flames. "Kindly pay attention when you are in my class Mr. Snape, Ms. Evens."

The Professor continued with her lecture and Lily sat up strait in her seat and began taking notes and watching McGonagall intently. Severus however, looked down at his desk and watched the note as it burned. He felt an intense urge to place his hand in the flames; as if in a trance, he moved his hand closer and closer to the fire. When his fingertips were just centimeters from the dancing flames, he looked at Lily and slowly withdrew his hand. He watched as the note slowly shriveled, and eventually, died.

Severus looked up, startled by the ringing bell. The students were collecting their things and putting them into pockets or bags, then hurriedly leaving the room, eager to leave the daunting presence of Professor McGonagall behind.

Lily however, left her bag where it was and whispered, "I'll see you later, Sev." then walked up to McGonagall's desk. Severus seized his chance and placed the neatly folded poem inside the charms notes for her next class; that way she would be sure to find it, then collected his bag and left.

As the rest of the day seemed to speed on, Severus felt increasingly nervous and his heart seemed to be racing the wind; he went to lunch, but felt to sick to eat anything. Across the room he noticed Lily talking excitedly to Mary and a few other of her Gryffindor friend, he assumed she had found the poem. With a feeling of uneasiness he saw Potter's eyes narrow as he examined from a far the poem she was showing to Mary. His eyes flicked towards Severus with an amused glint; this made him feel even more troubled than before.

It was finally time for Potions class, a class that the Gryffindors and Slytherins had together. Severus stepped into the classroom and saw all the desks in the class except for one was empty. Lily waved him over her seat enthusiastically; he walked over and sat down in the seat beside her.

"Did you get into much trouble with McGonagall?" Severus inquired.

"No, she just told me to not let it happen again. But look what I found in my bag during Charms class!" She reached into her took out the poem; she handed it to him and he pretended to read it. He thought his heart was going to burst; it was insane that Lily couldn't hear it skipping wildly in his chest.

"Uh, do you know who gave it to you?" he asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

"No." she replied. With a thoughtful expression she leaned closer to the desk and propped her head up with a hand; her hair swung forwards and Severus was bathed in her sweet scent. At the end of Potions, she left with a little wave and a smile.

A few hours later he found himself back in the Great Hall for dinner and tiny pang of regret he remembered the detention he had with Professor McGonagall in an hour. He scanned the Great Hall for Lily, but she wasn't there. Disappointed, he slumped himself down on the bench but wasn't particularly hungry, so he drank deeply from his goblet.

"Hi ya." Severus emerged spluttering and gasping from his pumpkin juice as Oz came to sit beside him.

Oz patted him on the back as Severus coughed, "What are _you_ doing here?"

"Aw come on, is that anyway to greet a friend?" he asked in a mock affronted voice.

"We're not friends." growled Severus with a sideways glace at Oz. He was beaming with his red hair was just as messy and wild as usual. "Why do you keep following me anyways?"

"Because we _are_ friends."

"I don't even know you."

"Well that can be easily fixed." Oz said, taking a handful of chips from the table.

"Well not tonight it can't, I've got a detention." said Severus, getting up as he did so.

"Aw that sucks. With who?"

"McGonagall."

"Man, that _really_ sucks, good luck with that and see ya tomorrow." Oz waved as Severus left the Great Hall.

Severus knocked on Professor McGonagall's office door and it opened with McGonagall standing in the doorway, "Ah, Mr. Snape, you're here." she opened to admitted him. "Each night you will be doing a different task, but this first night, you will be doing lines."

'_Lines. Lines! How bloody predictable._' He thought

"You will be writing, 'I will not cause trouble at Hogwarts.' Do you understand?"

"Yes Professor" Severus replied, then sat down in a seat and pulled out all the necessary materials for writing lines. And so the long and tedious work began, dragging his hand across the parchment over and over; as if this would change his luck or behaviour or whatever.

"Mr. Snape, your three hours are up, you may go." He leapt to his feet and practically flew out the door. His thoughts were preoccupied with all the homework he had due already as he opened a tapestry to take a secret passageway that would eventually lead him to the entrance hall. What he saw appalled him; Lily and Potter were wrapped in a tight embrace and kissing each other fiercely.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Severus was speechless. He could not think, he could not move, he could not breathe. The two broke apart; Lily gasped, but Potter grinned.

"Hey Snape, what's up?" Potter could barely contain his laughter at the Severus' distress.

"Li-Lily…wha-what are you d-doing?" he asked, eyes wide.

"Sev, it's okay. James and I are going out now; he was the one who wrote the poem I found in my bag."

"That, that's not possible!" Severus shouted, unable to contain his horror.

"I know it's hard to believe that James Potter has poetic ability, but he recited the poem to me. It really is his writing." said Lily, still oblivious to the full terror within him.

"No…" He knew that he could never tell Lily the truth, even if he did, she wouldn't believe him. Severus shook his head and looked over Lily's shoulder at Potter; he had a malicious grin spread wide across his face. "No!" He had to get away; he could feel the tears coming and knew he would not be able to control them; he couldn't be seen as so weak as to cry, he had to get away. He turned and ran, he didn't even know where he was going; Lily called after him, but he didn't hear her; he couldn't hear anything, it was as if all his senses had been shut down.

Without really meaning to, Severus soon found himself sitting on the highest window ledge of the Owlery. His eyes were stained with wet, but he was beyond tears now. It was a few minutes before he realized he was whispering to himself in the darkness:

"The ripping anguish as one by one they are plucked from my heart. The empty chasms they leave behind. Locked in a silent scream, fear at the cold and the dark. Stiffening the sobs, hiding the tears. Holding the sadness behind a flimsy mask, always on the ledge but not yet taking that final step." He looked out the window, down towards the ground; it must have been _at_ _least_ fifty meters.

"Severus?" Oz was walking up the Owlery steps, squinting around in the silver light of the moon. Severus could not even manage to tell him to go away; he was so tired, so weak, he wasn't even sure if he could move. "Sever–" Oz had caught sight of his wrists and hands, glistening with blood; his eyes grew wide. Severus closed his eyes; it looked as if he were sleeping. Oz gently touched one of his wrists and said, "Sev, I've got to get you to the Hospital Wing."

Severus' eyes flicked open and he grabbed Oz's forearm with surprising strength and speed for his current condition. "No." he said a firm but scratchy voice; he was very thirsty.

"But Sev–"

"No." Severus cut him off. "I don't want anyone to know about this."

Oz looked for a minute as if he were about to protest then said, "Okay, but I have to heal you. Episkey." The blood and wounds disappeared leaving behind not but scars, but then they reopened and began to bleed anew. "It's too severe, it's not working!"

"In my bag, I have a bottle of Wiggenweld Potion." said Severus with effort. His breathing was very shallow and was beginning to feel very lightheaded. He could faintly hear Oz going through his bag, searching for the Wiggenweld Potion. Next thing he knew, Oz was putting the glass vile up to Severus' lips. He watched as the cuts on his wrists and hands healed themselves, leaving faint silver scars in their place. Oz put the stopper back into the bottle and placed the bottle back into the bag; he sat on the step next to Severus. They stayed like that for some time, just sitting in silence, broken only by the sound of their faint breathing. Severus finally broke the silence and said, "Oz?"

"Yeah?"

"Those drugs you were talking about before, on the train; how much do they cost?" Severus asked.

"For friends, nothin'. Why? You up for trying some?"

Severus thought about it: what did it matter anyways? The only reason why he had abstained from the drugs in the first place was because of Lily, and now that she had fallen into Potter's trap she was as good as gone, forever. "I, I think so, maybe just a bit."

"For a beginner, I would either recommend Pot or Ecstasy." Oz smiled. "Which would you like?"

"I think I'd like to try Pot."

"I don't have any on me, no, it's in the Hufflepuff dormitory; wanna come with?"

"Just a sec." Severus said. He pulled out his wand and pointed it at his wrists and hands. "Scourgify." The blood evaporated off his forearms and hands. "Now we can go. Er, hang on, your hair is blue."

"So it is." Oz replied, grinning with a look that told Severus he thought he was just a little bit crazy.

"But at dinner it was red, and on the day when I first met you it was brown."

"Haha, yeah. I'm a low level Metamorphmagus."

"There are levels of Metamorphmagus?" Severus questioned.

"Yeah, I'm on the second to lowest level which means that I can only change my appearance in small ways; like I can only my hair and eye colour. I'm the only Metamorphmagus in all of Hogwarts at the moment, but there are others elsewhere that are stronger than me and can do loads of stuff."

"Oh, but isn't the Metamorphmagus ability heritable?"

"Yeah it is, but my grandfather the only other Metamorphmagus in the family, and my mom is a Muggle, so I expect that's why my Metamorphmagus ability has been diluted. But come on now; in a few hours some of the other Hufflepuffs will be awake, we don't want to get caught."

Oz and Severus crept through the castle, keeping an eye open for Peeves, Filch, Mrs. Norris and any of the teachers that could be lurking about. When they reached the Entrance Hall Oz waved him through a small archway opposite the archway that lead to the Slytherin Dormitories. They walked for about six or seven minutes, twisting and turning through corridors similar to the ones that lead to the familiar Dungeons, but warmer, more brightly lit.

"Here it is." Oz said, gesturing to a still-life painting on the stone wall.

"_This_ is the entrance to the Hufflepuff Common Room?" Severus asked skeptically.

"Yep. Now," he whispered the password so that Severus could not hear, "we enter." The dormitory had a soft glow about it and had a friendly appearance. It was filled with large armchairs, empty now because of the hour; on the farthest wall there was a large stone fireplace. There were many yellow hangings draped on the walls; beneath the yellow hangings on opposite walls were two perfectly round doors. "Wait here." Oz muttered; then slipped through the round door on the left. A few minutes later he returned. He opened his fist to revel four Cigarettes stuffed with Pot. "Time to toke up."

Twenty minutes later, the wake up bell had rung; Oz and Severus were back up in the Owlery. "Almost no one comes in here this early, so it's very unlikely that we will get caught. It's also best to skip classes while high, otherwise teachers might get suspicious of us smokers' behaviour."

"Ah." Severus said, a bit nervous.

"Okay, so do as I do." Oz took out the smoke and put it in his mouth, then he took out his wand and said, "Incendio." The end of the cigarette began to smoke slightly. "After that, you just breathe deep. Now you try." Oz handed him one.

Severus placed it in his mouth, took out his wand and tapped the end of it saying, "Incendio." and took a deep breath. He began to cough and splutter in the smoke.

"Hahaha, not that deep yet, newbie!" A while later (Severus had no idea about how much time) he and Oz began telling jokes and laughing at the most insignificant things and comments. But then Oz asked, "Why did you do what you did? Why'd you change your mind about the drugs?" Severus didn't answer at first, considering whether he would tell Oz his reasons; he decided he wouldn't tell Oz everything, just some stuff.

"It's – it's a girl; I love her. She was the only reason why I didn't take you up on your offer immediately, but she's gone now."

"Oh." They dropped into silence again. For what it seemed like hours at a time, Severus would find himself lost in the depths of the deep amber eyes of the owl; timeless and judicious as it stared back. "Hey, Sev, come on; get up." Oz was saying (very loudly in Severus' opinion).

"Where are we going?" Severus asked blearily.

"Hufflepuff dormitories; we need to sleep it off."

"I'm not in Hufflepuff; I'm in Slytherin, remember?"

"Yeah, kinda hard to forget; just come on, it'll be fine." Class must have been in session, for they met no one on their way to the Hufflepuff Dormitories. After Oz had whispered the password to portrait, the two of them stumbled through and were met with the curious gazes of eight or so seventh years. "Ignore them." Oz whispered. They walked through the round door on the left; behind the door was a dimly lit flight of stairs; at the bottom of the stairs, was a hallway lined with three doors on either side, a seventh at the very end facing them. "Welcome," he said, "to the Hufflepuff Basement." Oz walked strait to the door on the end and opened it. The Hufflepuff dormitory was completely circular, just like the doors. "We can crash on my bed."


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

"Sev, time to go."

"What?" Severus groaned. "What's going on?"

"That was the Dinner bell, we have to go before any Hufflepuffs come, you know no one but Hufflepuffs are allowed in here." Severus opened his eyes_. _That's right; he and Oz were sleeping the affects of the drug off…Severus stood up, wobbled slightly, then followed Oz out to the Great Hall.

"Why don't you try sitting at the Hufflepuff table with me?" Oz asked. He hesitated, uncertain about what he should say. He really did want to join Oz, but was uncertain on how the other Hufflepuffs would react to a Slytherin sitting amongst them. "Don't worry, they won't bite."

"Uh, okay, I guess I'll give it a go." Severus replied. When they reached the dining hall the echoing voices where chaotic and their volume was exaggerated to a painful level in Severus' ears. They sat down side-by-side at the end of the table as he winced at the cacophony of chatter.

"So what did you think?" Oz asked excitedly while filling his plate a mile high with mashed potatoes, chicken breasts, Sheppard's pie, and many other food items.

"Well, it was great while it lasted, but I don't feel very good right now…kinda sick and groggy actually." This was true. His head was aching and he felt a little nauseous and he could smell the stench of the weed that clung to his hair and clothing filling the air around him. Also now that the drug had left his system, the full weight of what had happed between Lily and Potter was starting to hit him again.

"Well, I dohave something that's in less demand than Pot or Ecstasy, it's stronger stuff though," Oz said, glancing over at him. "I have only tried it about four or five times so far myself."

"What is it?" Severus asked, curious.

"It's most commonly known as Void, it's a wizarding drug." Oz said as he reached for a piece of chicken.

"I'm not familiar with it." Severus said interested.

"Void is brand new, not many people have. It has a different effect depending on the dose you use. We should probably go to our classes for the next couple of days though, so as not to arouse suspicion, but I'm thinking about giving it another go in a couple of days, like Saturday. Care to join me?"

Severus thought for a moment wondering what he had to lose then said, "Sure." then drank from his goblet.

"Why aren't you eating?" Oz inquired. Severus detected a slight edge of concern to his voice.

"I'm not hungry." answered Severus.

"But you haven't eaten anything all day, or yesterday as far as I saw," Oz exclaimed. Then he whispered, "and it is my experience that smoking Pot increases your appetite, not decreases it."

"Look, what does it matter to you if I eat or not anyways?" Severus asked, raising his voice a little his voice edged with irritability.

Oz blushed, and looked down at his plate. "Never mind then." Severus raised his head as he felt a disturbance in the air behind him. It was a small girl he had never seen before, nothing out of the ordinary about her. She sat down with a flock of other girls and began yammering about shoes or some other God-awful topic.

"Ah damn, I've got detention with McGonagall," Severus said as he looked beyond the flock and up at the staff table. McGonagall was watching him, then she got up. He glanced at his watch. "I'm gonna be late."

As soon as Severus knocked on Professor McGonagall's office door just the once it opened. "Well, I didn't think I would be seeing you today Mr. Snape."

"Oh?" he said, confused and still very slow from the weed.

"I haven't seen you all day Mr. Snape, not even at the morning and the midday meal."

"Oh, yeah." Severus said, not meeting her gaze afraid that his unfocused eyes might give him away.

"Why is that Mr. Snape?" asked the professor shrewdly.

"I've been ill, Professor." he lied easily.

"I see," she said in a tone that said clearly that she was not convinced as she breathed in the stench of pot wafting in droves from Severus. He wished that he had had time to take a shower and change before going to dinner. "Today you will be cleaning the desks in my classroom." She gestured for him to follow her. After walking half the way from her office to the Transfiguration classroom, she asked, "Mr. Snape, how well do you know Oswald Dorflinger?"

Severus thought for a moment then replied, "I don't think that's any of your concern Professor." Professor McGonagall looked as if she had been hit by three stunning spells simultaneously.

"Mr. Snape, may I remind you – "

"No Professor, my I remind you that it is my choice to have whoever I wish as my friend, not that of a transfiguration teacher's."

"Sixty points from Slytherin!" Severus almost burst into laughter as she said this; what did house points matter to him anymore? None of the Slytherins had ever been there for him, never cared, and he didn't care about any of them either. He almost provoked McGonagall further just to get more house points taken away, but he decided against it. There was no telling if she would just take away more house points or do something more drastic such as more detention.

"I'm sorry Professor, I don't know what got into me." He said as he hung his head, pretending to be guilt ridden and ashamed. They walked on, McGonagall giving Severus the silent treatment all the way to the classroom before giving him a rag and some muggle cleaning solution; she had absolutely refused to let him clean the desks with magic, ("It wouldn't be a proper detention if you didn't have to do something you don't want to do.") Severus had wanted to argue that he didn't want to be cleaning the desks in the first place, but he kept his mouth shut.

The next couple of days seemed to drag on in a haze of pain; every time his thoughts were to come across Lily, a cloud anguish consumed his entire being. In addition to this emotional agony, all the teachers seemed to always ask him the same question over and over again, ("Where is your homework?") Severus just waved off the questions like flies on a hot summer's day, but seriously, didn't they have any originality? Things weren't made any easier by McGonagall's watchful eye during his nightly detentions either.

Severus opened his eyes quite suddenly to realize it was finally Saturday. Looking around the Slytherin dormitory, he saw four boys in beds in the round stone chamber, all still sleeping. He glanced at his watch, (There was no way to tell what time it was because of the lack of windows, like the Hufflepuff dormitories.) and saw that it was half past seven. Severus got dressed and walked to the Great Hall where he played with the sausages on his plate while waiting for Oz.

"Hi ya." said a familiar voice in a familiar greeting. Oz sat down next to him and lowering his voice said, "Sorry I was late, I overslept; ready for today?" Severus nodded. Rubbing his hands together Oz said, "Excellent."

"Where are we going to do it? The Owlery is far too busy on a Saturday."

"Astronomy tower."

Severus took a quick intake of air and said, "I love the astronomy tower, everything is always so beau – " He stopped short. He wasn't sure why he almost opened up Oz but it was a very odd experience. "Do you have it with you?" he asked quickly, changing the subject.

"Yep." said Oz, patting his robe's inner pocket.

In almost no time at all, the two of them were up in the Astronomy Tower. "So as I said before, each feeling is caused by a different dose of the stuff. It is capable of creating any feeling you can possibly imagine; from happy to sad and everything up and beyond."

"Can it do peaceful?" Severus asked tentatively. He could use a bit of relaxation from the stressful week he had just escaped from.

"'Course it can! I just told you it can cause any feeling under the sun."

"Oh, yeah. Well, I would really like a bit of peace after the week I've had."

"Totally understandable mate." Measuring out the two dosages they would need for their preferred feeling the opaque liquid splashed playfully about. Severus thought about the way he had said 'mate'. What was the relationship that he had with Oz? Was it mere acquaintanceship or was it something more than that? Friendship? He had stood up for Oz against Professor McGonagall, but he was also standing up for himself in the process. Maybe there was something in it, but it was probably just nothing. Severus shook these strange thoughts from his mind when Oz offered him the little glass bottle in which he had poured the bright purple fluid.

"What do I do now?" Severus asked, though he was fairly certain he knew what the answer would be.

"You drink it all at once. Here, I'll go first." Oz lifted his bottle to his lips and drank the entire content in one swift gulp. "There, it should begin to work in about ten seconds. Now it's your turn." Severus fingered the bottle in his hands for a moment, then lifted it to his lips and downed it all summarily. Severus leaned back against the wall facing the railing and let the Void take its effect.

No matter what it seemed to Oz, the effect seemed almost instantaneous. He breathed in deeply as the world lost its focus and he felt his whole body and mind relax. Severus was more at rest than he could ever remember, even more so than in Lily's presence. Lily, he couldn't think about her without remembering the aching loss. Bracing himself for the overwhelming pain he clenched his fists and screwed up his eyes, but it did not come. Slowly he realized that as long as Void was in his system, thoughts about Lily or any other thoughts would never trouble him.

Gradually Severus unclenched his fists and opened his eyes; Oz was watching him with a blank expression on his face. "The girl?" He asked.

"Yeah, the girl." Severus replied, finding it very easy to keep his voice cool and controlled. Suddenly Oz's hair changed from blue to black to yellow. "Whoa, what did you just do?" He asked. He found that he was surprisingly calm despite what just happened; it must be the Void he decided.

"What do you mean? What did I just do?" Oz asked, thoroughly perplexed.

"Your hair, it just changed color, twice."

"Well that can't be right; I didn't change it on purpose…" Oz got up and walked to the model globe which was suspended peacefully in the center of the room. "Hmm, you're right," He muttered, leaning down and inspecting his reflected appearance in the metal. "That's really weird…" he said unconcernedly then giggled. Severus knew that he should at least be slightly concerned and thought that was a bit odd that he wasn't, then he remembered: Void. It was keeping both of them calm, even if they were just about to fall off a cliff or something. Severus knew that this should bother him just a little, but neither of them could work up enough energy to become even faintly worried.

And anyways, why should it matter if he died? It's not like he had anything left to live for. He was just a waste of space using up someone else's oxygen and eating someone else's food. The next step seemed quite logical to him and he was amazed that he had not seen it before. He stood up, wobbling slightly, then made his way to the edge of the Astronomy Tower.

"Dude, what are you doing?"

"Sky diving." Severus replied sarcastically.


End file.
